Every now and again life cracks you open.
Wide open. As if your whole being was made of glass and an unexpected fall creates a shattering of awakening. All the pieces a jagged mosaic of fresh perspective. The painful splintered edges offering a fresh reflection of light and life. If our eyes can open to the pain of breaking that is.
The Leo full moon brought me to my knees. Ironic really, being a lioness woman with a full moon report speaking of all the glory and high celebration, of acknowledgement and accomplishment. A lot had been happening yes. But, in severe contrast, I felt scattered, shattered, over full and simultaneously empty. Alone in my own awakening (dissolving?). A lunar transformation. A whole self remembering.
It was a small thing that triggered the tears knocking my fragility to the floor. Yet it pointed to something big. Something I wasn't fully seeing.
Initially I was sure I could point the finger, at all the support I wasn't getting from the usual, expected places. Or maybe rather, the places where I was hoping it would arrive from. Yet my blame was just denial disguised. Realizing that this break open was begging me to pay attention to the voices that had been singing to me sweetly, until they started screaming, that I needed to pay deep attention to me.
Despite (because of?) the work I do, the teachings I offer, I continue to find myself in this place of remembering, embracing and honoring the whole self. My self. All of me. Loving me fiercely and diving deep into the inquiry of what that even means. It is no accident that I, time and again, press to the breaking point. I think I finally have a glimmer of understanding my own medicine, my desire for the real. And life, wonderful life, is just polishing the diamond, pulling me to the point of abrasive frictions, pushing me to listen in and shine true. This exploration of self evolution, is a soulful alchemy producing purposeful potency and mindful medicine.
The shattered pieces of the breakdown create the prisms of light that illuminate the path to break through.
There is a betrayal that nags us all. Most of us are pretty good at staying disconnected from the pain of it, caught as we are in the rich and stimulating movie the world offers to keep us occupied, distracted- ever reaching out, instead of in. Yet, in the quiet moments, some of us think to ask, remember to ask, what is this all for? Is there a greater purpose, a more graceful flow than this constant striving, reaching, drive? And maybe we come to that place of clarity and ask ourselves, how am I actually turning away from myself in favor of something (or someone) else?
Awakening to our own self sabotage is like a ruthless smack across the face. I sat under the full moon rising feeling all the shadowed places inside soaking in light, revealing what had been hiding from my busy, driven, do it all mind. Yet my heart was dropped into a rich tide of feeling that couldn't be denied.
I needed desperately to return home. To my Self. I couldn't help but wonder how I had gotten so far off track.
Then I remembered this is the path. The one I have chosen. To use the titles that have been bestowed upon me by others: A yogini-preistess-warrior advocating, awakening and igniting the souls callings, longings and potential. And so I must remember, through myself as my self, the experiential transformation of being a woman inside a physical body, feeling the rawness and realness of lived experience. In all its complexity. In all its vulnerability. In all its authenticity.
I live for this truth. (As uncomfortable as it tends to be).
In this moment of realization, clarity dawned, and the moonlight glimmered on the wild tide that seemed to subside in my reflections. I could see all the ways I was denying the truth. I could feel the internal dissonance of "trying" to "make something happen" instead of leaning in to the trusting, knowing and waiting that had been feeling the way beneath the surface all along.
It is so easy to turn away from ourselves. Easier than we may think. Our minds are clever and creative, seducing us to believe many an enchanting tale. But what of our hearts? The ever steady drum beat of our own unique rhythm, our divine calling, our soul's sacred dance. The simple, steady, consistency so easily overlooked when the "noise" outside is loud. Yet it's subtleties are profound.
The nagging whisper, the knowing thought, the resistance, the lack of energy, the inspiration, the synchronicity. There all along, a soul centered compass pointing the way.
My heart has been telling me to walk away from something for some time. I have been tricking myself into not listening. Caught up in my own patterns of people pleasing with elaborate stories for why.
Through the tears and confusion of this internal transformative ride the rich reality check of clarity asked, Who will tend to you, commit to you, believe in you, if not you? My teachers voice echoed in after that: "Two feet in, committed to the real." My path was calling me, is calling me. And I could see clearly all the fancy detours fear had put in my way. All the self sabotage cleverly staged in order to keep me small and undermine my big vision.
Now everything feels different.
I have been listening to my mind and her wild stories but not leaning in to hang on every word. It feels like a tv is on in the living room, but it hasn't captured my attention. Instead, I am nestled by the fire curious as I look into the light of my own life, feeling the warmth that comes when I pay attention to my own divine spark.
My body is telling me what it wants and I, like a small child trusting it's mother, am following along. Simplicity. Presence. Singing. Reading. Writing. Practice. I have had a few moments where I think, this is too easy. Foolish maybe. Judgments creep in: There is more I should want, I should have a plan. What-if-itis wants to take hold. But thankfully it doesn't. All of it feels like a wild wind outside, blowing my hair about, but inside I feel calm, with my intuition turned on.
I can't shake this feeling that all is coming. But I must begin at the beginning, honoring the temple wisdom of me. Trusting the contours of my own internal landscape, embracing my own internal guidance system, having faith in the organic pace. I can't help but feel that with that will come right timing, effortless unfolding, and an emergence of fruit so sweet.
Remembering patience and the natural rhythms of things, I find myself listening. Practicing following the energy, moving with it rather than against it. Like an energetic martial artist discovering the next dance. In the waning of a Leo full moon, I am remembering myself. And it feels so good to be called back home.