Human Being

I believed I wasn't worthy, 
while insatiably hungry
to be seen
as special
and extraordinary.

the contradiction
caused rejection
of any acknowledgement
that didn't corroborate
the internalized story, 
of not enough.
the negative feedback loop,
a noose around my neck.

subconsciously seeking
validation of my flaws, 
caught in a never ending dance
of distorted striving and collapse. 
trying to be seen,
through my strange paradox of lack. 
longing for lux,
but never totally opening up
to fill my cup. 
never letting on that I was leaking.

it's easy to want
the world to enliven
in response to our existence. 
it's easy to want to be seen and heard. 
but it's difficult to tell the truth,
to shed the curated and composed
and reveal the darkness
hidden behind light. 
to fully feel the deep sorrows
tucked in the shadows behind the
glow of a life so many ways blessed.

maybe I have hidden from the title
too long,
depression an ongoing companion
I never dared name. 
not wanting to be ungrateful
or hover too close to "crazy."
not wanting to tarnish my attempts
at the futile projections of perfection.

even when sensitivity and empathy
activated it to extremes, 
the weight of the suffering of so many beings, 
our global community and planetary needs...
I wanted to be bigger.

to be extraordinary. 
to not be broken by the pain. 
to be a special kind of light
that could feel. and heal. 
to take the ache away
from you and me and everybody. 
completely.

I have learned to reach for help
to link arms and hold hands
with mentors and guides.
I now know when I'm stumbling
into the black hole that grabs hold
and wants me to look directly into fears eyes. 
I know when old stories come knocking
testing the stability of hard earned,
but fully upgraded beliefs. 
I have learned to listen and to see. 
and maybe most importantly,
finally name that I am both
worthy and struggling.
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an ordinary human.
being. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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