know the dark. bring the light

 


one day at a time. one day at a time. a mantra that wove itself through my days. I don't even remember where i picked it up, i never went to aa. it reminds me of finding memo and the mantra just keep swimming.

i tend to get overwhelmed. i have a highly sensory kinesthetic body and a complex multi diminutional mind which means i think and feel in some kind of seven dimensional reality. cosmically connected, a witch of wonder once spellbound, remembering i'm porous and it ALL pours in. this is my super power and I am grateful. but like the kriptonite that can kill super man i have learned to be careful, learned i must pace myself so i don't explode, melt down, drown.

one day at a time. one day at a time. 

i'm breathing. i'm walking. nature always lets the light in, lets me open all the way into being. simply being. i feel. i feel the rhythms of earth moving and growing and falling away. i hear the the wind singing cosmic serenades across a sky inviting infinity.

there are no boundaries here and i rest back into a field of yellow flowers that smile in their beauty knowing they exist for pleasure, for nectar, for reminders of awakening. i lean back into tall grass and it's soft, it holds me. i rest back, breathing in the green of it. breathing in the freshness. the late afternoon sun showers me in gold, in light, in warmth and i feel the fire of my hands the healing whole heart that beats a rhythm of knowing.

i feel myself here. i feel god here.

and it begins to rain. a cloudless rain, a magic moisture, a blessing of acknowledgement. it tickles me at first and slowly gathers into droplets that become streams that flow through my hair and into my eyes and i remember surrender. i remember the feeling of flow. i remember to let go. i tilt my head and i laugh. music fills the air. i laugh and music fills the air. 

one day at a time. one day at a time. just keep swimming. 

i was clenched and tight. a tight ball in a dark room. tied in knots of feeling too many things at once, the system fragged with grief, heart tortured grief. chaos consuming reason, thrashing in the black whole. facing the dark sister. everyday the same. trapped in the room. in the dark. not a pin hole of gold, not a sliver of salvation. just the invitation to climb deeper in. to dissolve. into the hole. to become holy.

oh how i thrashed. the prayer a feeble whisper. one day at a time, one day at a time.

and tears were rivers and my body a breaking bridge. thrashing. there was no going back. just keep swimming. am i dying? swimming? dying. swimming. crying. rivers. a planet of water. a world locked in the dark. waves crashing, keep breathing. a moment. a landing.

stillness.

darkness.

surrender.

then awakening.

i look Her in the eye. my dark sister. the holy rolling goddess of shadow, of fierce love, of raging truth. i survived the initiation. i feel salvation. and it's not outside of me. it is me. and it's breathing right here. happening right now. 

i bow. i bow. i bow. 

one day at a time. 

thats how you let the light in.