owning your knowing

 

the last three weeks have been potent. the full moon at the turn of the month rearranged me. not just the astrology of it, or the blue moon-ness of it - although that had it's own kind of energy that juiced the field I'm sure.  it started with a series of three sessions, a few with my mentors, one with sweet island friends, all of which cracked me wide open to the core. this trifecta was transformative, unexpectedly sacred, wildly expansive. since, everything is exactly the same and yet radically different. 


i feel softer, more whole. affirmed in my unique path. more trustworthy of myself than i've ever been. it's felt entirely magical and has equally brought on daily waves of exhaustion, spaciness, inability to access words i know and scrambling attempts to grasp at the old familiar rhythm. 


with reverence, i recognize this is a gift of rich medicine specifically relevant to me, that is meant to be savored and digested slow. this experiential transformation feels essential to my own creative alchemy, personally and professionally. 


i have been experiencing energy in a completely new way. beyond the usual empathary, i've found myself feeling so sensitive that other people's stress has felt like a physical wall, hard and jagged. grief feels heavy like quicksand. joy feels like bubbles of effervescence rising and tickling my skin. a kind of shimmering has been rippling all over my body. while taking in a sunset, when serving my clients, or settled in meditation. the shimmering is like an awakening, a remembering, a flowing pulse of consciousness pouring through me. i feel it i feel all of it and i'm remembering what that means. 

i sing weekly with a wonderful woman and dear friend here on the island. she has been supporting my voice finding full true freedom. in the last three weeks these singing sessions have become somatic songs unraveling, revealing physical blocks and inviting emotional breakthroughs. i can feel the inner pressures of past programing, old stories, lifetimes of debris holding on. through the power of breath and sound we are setting it free. i feel it, all of it, and through the feeling i am seeing, sensing, knowing more about myself, where i've been, and where i'm going. 


yes, this month has been wildly, wonderfully intense. 


and there's more. all this dynamic energy crystalized into the apex of my new moon birthday. an opportunity to reset. and intend. and land into the next phase. a new moon and a new year charged by the courageous heart of the lion. 


i celebrated with a mix of ritual and nature and luxury. i practiced receiving in an entirely new way. i have long been good at giving, i love giving, but i have for quite some time had difficulty receiving, truly receiving. understandably this makes birthdays a bit of a challenge. with a desire to be celebrated and faulty receptors for allowing the celebrations of me in, i've been known to upper limit myself, contract and hide. 


this year i did it different. i let it in. i let it all in. i chose to be fulfilled by what is. and i was. i am. and i am opening up to receive even more. 


while paying attention, in feeling all this energy moving within me and around me, i've felt a growing sense of clarity. i trust myself to be fulfilled by the moment no matter what it brings. i feel like i've been cultivating the capacity to be an energetic ninja at the next level. to move with what is, allowing it to unfold without taking it on, and owning my knowing. 


 i speak frequently about the fluctuating distractions of the world around us. there are countless ways we lean away from center and disconnect from that golden thread of truth inside, that knows. thankfully i've long had a strong connection to my intuition, my body wisdom. but this month She just upped her game and is asking me to listen, to listen through feeling. "keep listening, keep leaning in." she's whispering. and as she does something in me is softening, allowing. knowing. and it feels freeing. 


it feels important to share. in part because my clients have spoken to me about how their emotions scare them. they've said if i could just get out of this experience without having to feel vulnerable then i'll be okay. yet that vulnerability is a key that unlocks a door that allows us to embrace and become more of who we are. what i've long known and teach is that the feelings brings us home, the feelings brings us to our intuition. feeling brings us to our knowing. and our knowing is medicine. 


it takes courage in this nicely packaged era of looking cool and having it together to reveal the messiness of our humanity, to be willing to be broken open by all of it. and there is a lot to break us open these days. and as we do, we open wider, we get bigger. we have more capacity to feel, and ultimately heal. individually and collectively. i know my own ability and capacity to feel so deeply and trust myself in that way is an invitation and affirmation for my clients to do the same.


as i step into my thirty sixth year i feel clearer than i've ever been and softer too. deeply rooted in my truth i'm blossoming, and instead of reaching out so desperately to serve or give or learn or seek, i feel myself resting in. the places i've touched in spiritual practice are becoming lived experience. and as i live into this experience i feel myself cultivating a new kind of trust. trust in the universe, trust in myself, trust in this unique and dynamic dance that we are doing together for the benefit of all beings. 


one thing i know for sure is this practice only deepens as it continues. my own personal challenges are ever more obvious in the light of this new energetic awareness, but there is now such a powerful field of love for myself and my journey that invites transformation from a completely different place. 


in the coming weeks i am moving slowly, softly, mindfully. committed to being in integrity, i am choosing to honor these deep currents of self acknowledgement and soul knowing. i will keep practicing and see where it leads. until my next share, i'd love to know about your experience with intuition, energy or emotion. where do you get stuck? where do you feel energy opening up in your body and life? how do you own (or disown) your knowing?