i got up from stretching on the floor earlier to write.
sometimes my muse meets me on the yoga mat when i am soft and supple resting inside of my own strength. on the mat i practice listening, so her arrival in those sweet moments of breath and body space makes sense.
i got up and pulled out my computer, but instead of landing on the writers page, i went on a little detour. once again, not listening to the immediacy of the muse, i default to that elusive place of "later" that never comes. even though i had the threads of inspiration tickling me, asking to weave words with just the starting line that got me up off the floor, that i now cannot for the life of me find.
the muse is a fickle lover. and i don't blame her one bit. i wouldn't stick around for a make out session or at the very least some meaning full conversation if my playmate went searching through the internet instead.
yes, i am embarrassed to admit it. the world wide web sucked me in. instead of pouring my own ideas out i poured more in. i went to the internet in an attempt to clear psychic space, to close the tabs i had opened, but in so doing i got sucked in.
how many times has that happened to you? an virtual wormhole that eats time and makes you lose your mind. please tell me it's not just me.
an hour later, after about ten detours and some virtual posting of my own, i am here at the page. humbly asking the muse to speak again.
i wrote yesterday that i am a writer.
this of course means that i have to write. but i keep sabotaging myself in subtle and not so subtle ways. i get distracted. i task out other things, small things, first. i tell myself to make a note and then sit down to it later. but that's the thing. i don't.
there's nothing quite like observing your own patterns. sometimes it's easier to just look the other way and not uncover and discover why you keep getting in your own way. so instead we play it safe, let the record repeat and hope the "problem" goes away.
but habituation is sacrificing our aliveness. we do what we do on autopilot and maybe, only superficially, even think to ask why. it's easier that way. easier in the sense that we don't have to face our own discomfort or shame or issues of self worth. but inevitably, somewhere along the way, not completely facing ourselves costs us the full expression of who we are.
“Every next level of your life will demand a different you.” — Leonardo Dicaprio
i came across this quote today. and it speaks volumes about change. change, that inevitable constant, that landscape shaper that we resist. same is the illusion of security, the iron fist grip on safe. but as we know all to well, same only takes us so far and then we need different, we need more.
so how do we change? how do we shift ourselves into new shapes, new rhythms, new experiences?
it begins with awareness...
we notice that something isn't working and we get crazy curious about what that thing is and why it's happening. personally, i have been vigilant on my tendency to detour from what i desire. instead of showing up for what I want, i get busy with other things, simple things, things i can control that give me a quick fix of accomplishment. these detours show up with my writing, with my dating, with my work... really anywhere the call is coming loud and clear to put myself out there.
which begs the question, what am i so afraid of?
after all it is that safety mechanism keeping us in the routine, keeping us in the groove of doing it a thousand times the same. our critter brain is confident we won't die and so we stick to it. even though something else inside is so ready for what's next.
when we discover what's there, what's embedded in the pattern, we can uncover we are avoiding we have the opportunity to set the energy free.
then we can move differently....
once we see what's happening we have a choice. we can create a different pattern. in the past i would have lamented that i lost my idea and NOT taken the time to write anyway. but i am sitting here writing. about something entirely different than the initial spark of inspiration, but i am still moving toward what i want.
i identified the fear and recognized when that part of me is in the drivers seat is not going to get me where i want to go. awareness helped me slow down and recognize exactly what was happening, how i keep detouring away from myself and what i desire. with more information i could make different choices. which leads to the practice of moving in different direction and seeing what happens.
we play in this space for awhile. awareness and movement, awareness and movement. but eventually we start creating something new. things begin to change.
we recognize that we are the creators...
we have the capacity in every moment to be fully here, to do something new. to call forth a way of being and receiving that is not dictated by our past and previous circumstances. when we cultivate our awareness and move in new ways, we discover more of who we are.
amongst other things, i am a writer. and to keep pushing the edges of my movement in that direction i am aiming to write and post everyday. this is the path to who i am becoming, the path to what's next and i want it more than i'm afraid of it.
so, stretching ever wider against the edges of the current story and the patterns at play i am pushing into my patterns and making more space for what feels like more grace.
that muse of mine might find me after all even if i miss certain moments. we are letting our love affair slowly unfold.
what's calling you forward, towards your next shape, the next wave? what can you notice, how might you move, what do you need to make more space for the next level of you to emerge?