the journals are burning


it's the first day of a new month. i like beginnings. i like the fresh crisp marker of placement in time. even though this beginning is really just a point on a long trajectory of life unfolding. 

today marks five years back on Kauai. five years of sandy toes, salty hair, and soul retrieval. sixty months of conversations with earth, sky, wind, tree, flower, ocean. and numerous unmarked days unraveling the past, reclaiming the present, and honing the vision of future. 

last night i said i am too old to not have it figured out. today i realized this is an illusion. catching myself again at how easily i sell myself the old story. but instead of grasping for how and what and when, i am softening in. i am repainting the walls with possibility. embracing the not knowing. relaxing into the mystery and learning to let my attachments go. 

this breath right here is whispering through me with a potent kind of aliveness, a raw kind of vulnerability, a celebration of energy.  i am the mystery embodied. what i need to know sprouts through me, inevitably surfacing with clarity. sometimes, frequently through the necessary midwifery of a sister singing my song, singing my strength and grace back into the roots of the insights already blossoming. 

on the surface we have road maps, life lines, rules of conduct, the playbook of how it goes and who we are. i have honed vigilance like a sharp knife, tracking what is happening trying to play both sides, to be the bridge. but i am tired. i have collapsed inside myself, no longer an innocent star shining, but stardust reforming. i have slipped into the mystery, the place where the unfolding future is unwritten, the place where who i BE is alchemy for what's emerging. 

something is awakening, rebirthing it's self through me and all i can do is follow the bread crumbs. trust the close in step. traverse the path deep into to the forest of truth. and come to face myself in the labor, in the dream, in the beginning and the ending, in the life and in the death. for everything is in me wanting, waiting, ready to be seen. 

for too long i have played a close in game, knowing full well i am so much bigger than i let my self stretch. i have been paralyzed by past lives and repetitive patterns telling me i better hadn't dare get too big as woman. keep playing in the back yard little girl, don't go running naked through the streets. keep singing nursery rhymes child don't stand up and preach. 

but i am burning the pages of the rule book. i am lighting my own limiting stories on fire. i am having a show down with fear and how that blade has cut me at the knees one to many times. the ropes of my noose are unraveling, the chains on the cage are breaking free. 

this is not just my story. this is woman coming undone. this is the wild feminine reclaiming the creative potency of her rich unknown. 

sure the contour of our paths, the swish of our hips, the curve of our cheeks are unique, but we are all throwing down against a paradigm of dominion. with each true expression, with each heartbeat of communion, with each raw feeling with each true connection we are changing things and understanding the power of what that really means. 

i stand with goddesses. i dance with fierce wild women. i pray in the supple sanctuary of Her. together we are rising while an old paradigm is dying. our initiation doesn't require old men telling us how it's done and who we need to be to step into power. our awakening is in the opening, in the spacious potency that already lives in the temple of She. power is this body supple, this truth of beating heart, this oracle knowing (even in her not knowing) how to birth her babies and herself. you and me sister are made for awakening. you and me sister are being called to jump all the way in. 

this doesn't mean throw caution to the wind, rather hold your discernment close in like a filter, a membrane, a field of divine protection. stay open like the generous abundant shakti wave that you are, stay curious and connect, but do not let anything that does not FEEL right knock you off your throne. 

cultivating consciousness is not for the faint of heart. it requires radical self commitment, a courageous whole heart, and the skills of an energetic ninja. our training ground is in the simple unsuspecting moments we may not even realize. moments where we let go of our vigilance, only tracking afterward the ways we've slid back into the child, the victim, the prostitute or sabatuer. the archetypes teaching us ever more about our own relationship to power. and it is here we must be tender. here we must practice our deeper remebering. here we must hold ourselves, clearer, stronger, deeper in the emerging truth, the intuitive wisdom of the evolving gifts of how all of this serves. 

make no mistake. i am not preaching from the mountain top. i am singing by your side in the swiftly flowing river, knowing, trusting, that if we band together reminding each other of Her song, our song, we will grow in our awakening, receptive in our listening and connected in our heartbeat. here we will arrive at the shore of a new beginning where we will dance in celebration of our own home coming. 

the throne lives within me and i claim all the power that it brings. sister will you stand with me?