she is bad-assery in motion and terrifyingly life-between-her-teeth kind of raw.
she hovers in the periphery. looming ever closer the more i remember and reclaim of all that's been lost or blindly given away.
but sometimes she scares me. i am afraid to look her in the eye. i am afraid she will see that I am weak and she will eat me for breakfast. i am afraid of her shamelessness. for she is old and withered and has earned her wise. she is unapologetic and sometimes that makes me want to hide. she is sheila na gig, the ancient crone, all sinew and bone. and wisdom. lifetimes of wisdom.
her breath creates halos. force fields of energy ripple from her eyes. she is magnetic and will not be denied. she has feasted fully on beauty and though no longer ripe, all her richness is inside.
she is waiting. she is more patient than i. she walks between the veils on the edge of life and death. she sees the wrinkles in time. she is universes colliding. she is past lives unfolding. she is future selves becoming. she is the fortune teller at the crystal ball watching it all. rise and fall. intent, serious, but with a glimmering twinkle in her eye.
she has not pushed or prodded me. in recent years she's simply made her presence known. some times i look in the mirror and she replaces my image, looking back at me, imploring me. i look away and the moment is gone. she is patient. but she is waiting. she is preparing for my arrival. she has gifts to give and lessons to teach.
seamlessly she moves through me from time to time. not hovering but entering, taking the reigns, guiding the ride. there is a softening in that, that is comforting. she shows up when i need her. and i realize, with surprise, i let her in.
of course this is happening, this is how wholing is done. all parts coming into one. but this one- wild woman, she, ancient wise one, crone mama, queen. she is all power and spice, pungent and raw, ash and bone. she is intense and the electricity of her energy glimmers through her fingers and her feet. her eyes crackle and snap with the potency of seeing, truly seeing, and KNOWING everything.
i used to be so scared of her i didn't see she was there all along. you see, i have been taught by the powers that be that to be powerful and strong was wrong. that i could be killed, maimed, raped, slain for being too much and taking up too much room and letting this presence within me be known. so i turned away, turned it down, and lost my way.
but let me tell you. now i'm found. she's leaning in close, her breath is on my cheek and i feel ripples of our history across temple floors and through forests with ancient trees. her boney fingers are on my shoulder and i feel the grip of truth searing hot, the knowing pouring in, the voice rising up and out and i know that the dam is breaking, there is no more faking, it's time to be unleashed.